[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Every photo I’m tagged in
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all