I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
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Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I know karate and tons of other words.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
fr
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.