Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
You Might Also Like
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE