Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
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Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Current mood: Potato
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.