Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
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My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
u spoke cat all this time??????
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends