My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
You Might Also Like
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*