Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
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Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Welcome
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though