ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
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Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”