ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
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him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.