I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
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Its a hippotatomus
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-