@yayraptor: ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we--OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]
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@wesjohnson8: My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
@bigracksonly: Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I really like a man who notices things. ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.