One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
#JohnTravolta