You Might Also Like
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…