@FBSisnothere: "Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail"
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@internetluke: [plane] "Is there a doctor on board?" Im a doctor "Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att- Of fine arts "What?" Doctor of Fine Arts
@lemonmartinis: Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
@thenatewolf: *Chooses paper towels instead of the hand dryer right as a tree walks into the bathroom*