If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
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Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.