*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
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Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
This came to me in a dream.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
When you don’t understand how floors work
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick