There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
that de-escalated quickly
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.