Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
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The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
🛁
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling