Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad