oh u like history? name everything that happened
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Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Always…
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys