Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Most fashion shows these days…
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Ugh but profoundly
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Aaaa…CHOO!
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.