A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
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You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work