None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
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Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”