Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
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When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.