@JeremyKCMO: Ladies, here's a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.
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@AGreaterMonster: I'm going to swallow a jack-in-the-box so that when they do an autopsy—BOING, surprise!
@sad_tree: [job interview] "So why do you want to be a jeweler?" ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
@UghNotAgain: Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
@stephenjmolloy: HR: "You've put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact." Me: "Yeah, I'd like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend."