@JeremyKCMO: Ladies, here's a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.
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@BlackCatBettie: What's faster than the speed of light? A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
@aparnapkin: "Women are crazy!" "Did one try to murder you unprovoked?" "No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."
@topaz_kell: "Your bathroom has better lighting for selfies" wasn't a good enough excuse for my surprised neighbor getting out of the shower. So uptight.
@Mr_Kapowski: [Grandma's funeral] GIRL: *crying* BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better *opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*