I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
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If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
okay run it by me one more time
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you