@JeremyKCMO: Ladies, here's a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.
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@moneybreton: Top Fears 1.Walking on manholes 2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death 3.Christopher Walken
@ch000ch: me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot
@robdelaney: .@LAPD My wife made hazelnut "coffee" with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
@TheToddWilliams: LASSIE: Arf! What's that girl? Timmy's in the old well? L: Arf arf He's dead? You sure? L: Arf! Okay here's a check for $5K L: ima need cash