It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
You Might Also Like
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do