Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
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Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid