@qwertying: Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
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@AristotlesNZ: Turns out exposing yourself to different cultures just gets you arrested in multiple countries.
@BlindChow: WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux? ME: u said to groom him WIFE: i meant brush ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding's off DOG: this is bullshit
@TheBoydP: I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
@ElgatoEsmio: When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?