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Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that