Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
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Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside