Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.