Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
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Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.