If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
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Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.