WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
You Might Also Like
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?