if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
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[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Wait a second…
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I’m putting together a team
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings