Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
You Might Also Like
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?