Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
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I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
The Wolf of Wall Street.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
an octopus is just a wet spider
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday