Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I love you…
…r dog.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.