Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
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CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
awkward
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.