ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
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Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
This is my pinned tweet
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice