LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
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I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Jupiter
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked