@Staggfilms: Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
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@hythemafia: Sperm 1: "Geez I'm exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?" Sperm 2: "A long way, we've just passed the tonsils..."
@shegotagronk: It's fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you're sleeping & know when you're awake it's "creepy" and "sir, you're under arrest"
@jordan_stratton: [boss finds pics of me snowboarding] "You missed work bc you said you were sick...& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING" *fist bump*