Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
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Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.