Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
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Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Danger is very dangerous
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
U talkin 2 me?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.