Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
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HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please