@mackswift: Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.
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@Schmoodles: Don't talk to me about your drinking problems until you've tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.
@tamytoo2: Actual text from 17 y/o son: kin u com bi nd swoop me? I hope he means hit him with my car, because that's the plan