All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
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I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Meow?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit