@purch_s: "Ladies, please report immediately to my pants."
- Me, pretending I'm wearing pants.
@squirrel74wkgn: *knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
It's been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
@BitterKrust: "Does this hurt?"
"What about this?"
*Dr. writes notes*
"Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates."
@Blunt_Sarcastic: If the inventor of the iPhone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is an iPhone battery.
@mysteryteacher: Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
@CarouselMouse: "It's a bird!"
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy's face]
S: Birds can't go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot