@purch_s: "Ladies, please report immediately to my pants."
- Me, pretending I'm wearing pants.
@hippieswordfish: 'welcome to subway how can i-'
ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID
M: IS IT HIS PISS
@ariscott: [Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
@ItsAndyRyan: Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
@MatCro: PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you've got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
@ericsshadow: "We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS."
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea