ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
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Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
What a website
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”