I was up all night reading about insomnia
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My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Otters see a butterfly.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I’m not stressed
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
when revenge coincides with naptime
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?