@sammynickalls: ladies: the day after Halloween, don't forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile
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@myles_morrison: I changed my wifi name to "14.4k dial up connection" so no one would bother stealing my signal.
@ojedge: DOCTOR: "Ok, now PUSH!" WOMAN IN LABOUR: "Should I be doing this in my state?" DR: [leaning out of car window] "Less talky, more pushy."
@ghostkrogh: [at funeral] My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say- *casket is lowered into the ground* -he was down to earth.
@scott_towel: Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma'am? Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.