My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
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you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Sharon, call the vet
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine