Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky