Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
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You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
incredible book dedication
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Who did it better?