@PJTLynch: Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
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@MsanthropyVani: Them: Help! A poisonous snake bit me! Me: oh shit. Umm. So. The word you're looking for is venemous. Don't feel bad, it's a common mistake.
@buy_2_hams: *Evanescence* (Buy two hams!) Buy two hams right now! (I need two hams!) I need two sopping hams (SAAAAVE ME)
@krissywillbretz: Brain: stop eating! Me: why B: you'll get fat M: so? B: there's only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach! M: oh *stops eating*