Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
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3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds