@HungoverLawyer: Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don't want to touch it any more than you do.
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@mollzbenn: I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."
@Parentpains: Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.
@OreoSpeedwagon_: Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything. Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon Brain: oh dear
@Breadery: My daughter: I know everything Me: What's the capital of brazil? My daughter: that's a secret