@HungoverLawyer: Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don't want to touch it any more than you do.
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@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like an adventure ME: Okay [later on phone] ME: Are you having fun? DATE: *clearly upset* YOU LEFT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
@GibJimson: The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately. Probably because I wear his name tag when he's not there.