@HungoverLawyer: Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don't want to touch it any more than you do.
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@Ideal_Victoria: Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls* Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
@Kyle_Raney: "I'd like to make a toast." - piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
@Sassafrantz: Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It's called Facebook.
@AimeeHelene1: Friend: Who's that? Me: Oh...that's crazy Kathy. F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something? Me: No. She eats hair.